Christmas Eve

I am sorry I have not posted in a couple of days.  I am getting bad about forgetting to post.  I had a great time at Nick's Christmas family dinner.  It was good to see everyone.  I got see most of Nick's family.  Nick's Aunt Missy was at the hospital with Daniel.  Jeremy even got to come home for Christmas.  Nick is spending Christmas morning with his family and coming to my house after that so we can go to my Aunt's house, brother's house, and Granny's house.  I am watching Love Actually with my family.  This is a good Christmas movie.  There is a weird and awkward part in the movie too.  Felix the cat is playing with all the Christmas wrapping stuff.  My mom is wrapping the last minute presents.  All the kitties are coming in the T.V. room wondering what we are doing.  Salem is loving on me.  All the cats know that tomorrow is a big day.  I cannot wait to see my new niece Kaylee.  She is so beautiful.  She was born on December 21,2010.  This will be her first Christmas.  We got her a cute gift.  I know she will look beautiful in it.  I love being able to see all my family during this time of the year.  I love spending it with my family, Nick, and my kitties.  It is getting really cold outside now.  It was supposed to snow tomorrow night.  But I highly doubt it will.  We are in Georgia after all.  I hope everybody has a great and merry Christmas.

The Past Couple of Days

Sorry I have not posted on here in a couple of days.  I just do not feel good anymore. My sinuses are killing me and I keep having headaches.  I am having headaches where I have I no skull.  I have a feeling I am having phantom pains.  I go to see my Neurologist in January.  So I hope he can figure out what is wrong.  I have not laughed in a couple of weeks and its starting to worry me.  I worry that I am becoming Bipolar.  My mood switches really fast now.   I try to stay level but gets hard.  I get to spend a lot of time with my cats now.  I just worry that I will became the crazy cat lady.  I try to spend a lot of time with humans so I do not became the crazy cat lady.  I also have drama going on.  I hate drama and girls seem to love drama.  I just wish drama would stop following me.  I have learned who my true friends are this past year.  I just wish all these things would stop happening to me.  This will be Felix's first Christmas with us.  I need to get the cats some treats and toys for Christmas.  I should wrap their presents and put cat nip all in it. That would be funny.  I am looking forward to Christmas.  Its supposed to snow Christmas day and night so maybe I will get a white Christmas after all. 

The Life Cycle

I know I already posted today but some days I have a lot to say.  I want to explain to everyone why I am not upset about the accident.  At first I was kind of upset but that did not last long.  I see the wreck as being fate.  Not that I think that bad things happen to me in general.  I see it as if I did not get hurt then five or ten other people would have gotten hurt.  Life and death is like the seasons and nature.  There is a time for everything.  I feel like if you mess with that order of life then you will be responsible for other people getting hurt.  For example I was watching Supernatural the other night and one of the main characters had to be death for a day.  There was a little girl that heart problems that he had to take out.  He battled internally over whether or not to take her.  So he decided to let her live.  When he did the nurse that was taking care of her was brought into the ER and he was to supposed to out her.  He ended up having to out five or six other people because he would not out the girl.  He finally realized if he would have taken her out to begin with all those other people would not have died.  He ended up taking her in the end.  But he learned that there is a time for everything.  And if you mess with that order you do not know what or who will end up getting up instead.  So the point I am trying to make is that if would have not been in that wreck five or six other people could have gotten hurt.  What I am trying to say is that is was my time to get hurt and if I would have messed with that I do not know what would have happened.  It is kind of like a chain reaction.  I am glad I was not hurt anymore that I was.  My wounds will heal too.  Yes, it was and still is hard to deal with but I would rather deal with this than feel responsible for other people getting hurt. 

It's Finally Friday!!

Sorry I did not post yesterday.   I went through all my clothes yesterday.  I reorganized my closet.  I am taking my name brand clothes to a consignment store.  I figured that would be a good way to make some money.  I finally organized my color and type of clothing.  I got to go to dinner with a good friend last night.  It was really good to see her.  I have not seen her in a month or two.  It makes me miss going to school and my old life.  I am just glad I get to see my friends though.  I am tying to make the best out of this situation.  I am kind of getting used to having a brain injury.  I got to go see Nick's moms new kitten.  She has two cats now.  One is named Tabby and his not a kitten anymore.  When I grabbed him on the back of his neck to clean his nose and eyes he cries like a little girl.  He keeps yelling like a little girl.  The other one is named Simba.  Nick's younger brother Zack named him after The Lion King.  He looks like he has a little of miniature cat in him.  He is so tiny for a month or two old kitten.  He is very playful and cute.  When you do not pet him for a while he starts whining.  He has a cute whine.  I got to play with both of them for a while.  The kitten was more playful.  Tabby is a drama queen so he would not love on me that much.  The kitten loved me.  He liked all the attention.  So yesterday was a great day.  It was the first day I got out of the house this week.  I had been in my pj's all week.  My dad has the next two weeks off.  So I am glad I get to see him the next two weeks.  I am glad I will have somebody here instead of being home by my self all the time.  I am used to going all the time.  So this has been hard to get used too.  I am trying to make the best of it.  But it gets hard at times.  I keep telling myself that this only for a short period of time.  Today has been good so far.  If I did not have my cats I would go insane.  Felix the blind one follows me everywhere and loves on me all day.  I am going shopping tomorrow and going to a friends wedding.  So I will have a busy day.

What To Do

I am sorry I have not posted on here in a couple of days.  I was up all last night trying to figure out what to do with my life.  I want to finish my degree.  And I am going to finish my degree.  So that is not the question.  I want to teach still but I want to teach traumatic brain injury students.  I have no desire to work in a regular classroom.  I want to work with Traumatic Brain Injury students.  I really want to help other people who have the same condition as me.  I thought about going back to school for occupational therapy but I really do not want to go back to school.  I hate school as it is.  I really do not want to spend another two or three years to finish school.  The only thing that sucks about being a teacher is that the pay sucks.  I would start off at 30 grand a year and no hope of ever getting a pay raise.  The state does not pay extra for when you get your masters.  So I am not going to do that now.  I just do not want to spend any extra time in school.  I am tired of it and cannot handle it with my brain injury now.  My last year of school is going to be really tough now with my injury.  I used to could handle anything but now I cannot.  I called Stepping  Stones today and they have a brain injury class.  They asked me if I wanted to come visit.  So I think I will.  This is my passion to work with traumatic brain injury students.  So I would like to do something  enjoy doing.  I feel like I am fifteen again and have no idea what to do with my life.  I just can not figure out what to do with my life now.  After all that has happened I feel lost again.  I feel like I have no direction in my life.  So I thinking about going to Stepping Stones one day in January to visit and see if that is what I want to do.   I think its what I want to do.  I just hope I figure it out soon because I cannot go another night without sleep.

I can breathe again!

I was in the hospital since Tuesday.  I got out Saturday and slept all day Sunday.  It feels awesome being able to breathe again.  Sorry I did not update but I could not in the hospital.  I am sorry to all my readers.  But the good news is I can breath again.  So I will start from the beginning.  I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday at 9:45 am.  At the doctor's appointment I was sent to the hospital for a CAT scan for my throat and my chest.  I went to the ER.  After the CAT scan I met with the doctor.  He said I had a tiny hole to breathe out of in my windpipe.  So he admitted me to the hospital.  They held me at Henry Medical Center until they could get me to Emory.  The doctor had referred me to a doctor at Emory.  He was a expert in this type of surgery.  I was transferred to Emory in Thursday night around 11:30 pm.  They did the surgery on Friday afternoon.  I was so nervous about the surgery.  I cried like three or four times about it.  I was scared about being put to sleep.  I could not eat from Thursday night until Saturday around noon.  On Friday, They put an IV in my right arm and did an X-ray on my chest.  When they took me back I so tired of waiting for surgery that I was not as scared anymore.  Nick and my mom was back in the pre-op room with me before surgery.  My dad came back there too.  They gave me something to keep me calm.  When they took me back I was so tired of waiting I was like lets go.  They went down my windpipe with a scope and camera.  The scar tissue was soft and not hard.  So they stretched my windpipe where it was trying to close.  I woke up near the end of when they had to put a tube down my throat again because my throat started spasms.  I could have sworn they said I was having a a seizer.  All I could think about was I can't drive for even longer.  But I was not awake for long because next thing I remember is I woke up in the post op room with a nurse standing over me.  They told me the surgery went well.  i was finally brought back to my room at 8:30 that night.  I think i was in post op for a couple of hours.  I could actually breathe again.  It felt awesome.  I could not eat or drink anything until the next day.  I was thirsting to death.  They gave me morphine for pain.  My stomach was hurting from coughing so hard.  My throat was hurting a lot too.  I finally got to take my medicine on Sunday.  I was so glad I got to take my medicine again on the next day.  The doctor said that I have an 70 to 80% chance that the procedure would actually work.  I hope I am in the 70 to 80 % that it will work.  My throat closing up was a 2 to 3% chance that it would close up after a Vent was in.  So I was in that 2 to 3% chance so I guess I should buy a lottery ticket now.  I am just glad I can finally breathe again.  I really hope the surgery works.  I can not go through not being able to breathe again.  I feel so much better now.  If the stretching does not work the doctor will cut open my chest and resection my Windpipe.  They will have to cut the scar tissue out because it could grow back.  The doctor said that stretching the windpipe works a lot of the time.  So I am hoping and praying that this will work.

I feel like I am sufficating

I still can't breathe. Sorry to complain so much.  I have an appointment with a specialist tomorrow.  I have almost gone to the ER like twice now.  I have a upper respiratory infection so that does not help.  If the doctor will not do surgery tomorrow I am getting my mom to take me to the ER..  We called two doctors last night.  We called the doctor I am going to see tomorrow  and they said he will not do anything until he sees me.  Since I am not his patient.  They said go the ER.  The doctor has an answering service and that is who answered the phone.  My mom has slept with me the past three days.  We were up all last night trying to decide whether or not to take me to the ER.  So if this doctor will not do emergency surgery tomorrow I am going to the ER,  If he says we need to schedule it I will yell at him because I am getting to the end of being able to deal with this.  I just hope it's scar tissue in my throat.  If it's not them then I don't want to go on.  This awful.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this problem.  I am going to the ER for sure if the Doctor acts like it's no big deal that I can't breathe and tries to schedule the surgery.  I will go to Piedmont, Grady, or Macon Medical Center.  This is ridiculous that they have not gone and looked down my throat.  I have scar tissue fro m the Ventilator and the Trach.  I just thought I was done with going through life threatening  health problems.  So just please pay that they fix it tomorrow. 

I can't breathe

I hate not being able to breathe.  I cannot sleep anymore because I am afraid I will quit breathing.  I go Tuesday to the doctor that specializes in my chest area.  We are hoping they will do the scope thing Friday of next week.  The breathing doctor told me that I have scar tissue in my Trach so I hope the chest doctor will laser it off when they do the scope thing.  I feel like I am drowning in water.  I hate the feeling of suffocating.  I just hope they can fix it.  I hope that I do not have to breath like this for now on.  I just hope they can find a cure to my breathing problem.  My mom had to sleep with me because I am afraid I will quit breathing during the night.  She is going to sleep with me until they fix my breathing.  We are all afraid I will quit breathing in my sleep.  I hate it.  I cannot sleep anymore either.  I can only sleep till about 10 or 11 now.  I was sleeping until noon, 1 or 2.  I hope I can sleep more when they fix my breathing.  My mom put her breathing machine on me this morning.  I could breathe better with it on because it was giving me constant air.  I need one of those.  She quits breathing in her sleep she has sleep apnea.  So she has to have a breathing machine.  It helped a lot.  That is what I have asking them to take me to the ER so they will put me on oxygen.  So I least I have a fix for my breathing for now.  At least I can breathe when I need the air.  I just wish that Tuesday would hurry up and get here.

Midnight Cleaning

     I decided to clean out my room at midnight last night.  I still have trouble sleeping. I think its because the breathing problem I have.  I got next week so hopefully they will do the surgery next week too.  I feel like I am suffocating most of the time.  i just want to feel like I am not drowning.  It would be nice to be able to sleep again.  So I hope my breathing gets fixed.  I stay up late now because I can not sleep as good as I used to.  I hope that changes when they fixed my breathing.
     I went through a bunch of stuff to throw away last night.  I found my id cards from middle and high schools.  If my name would not have been on it, I would not have known who it was.  I do not remember anything from high school anymore.   I especially do not remember anything from middle school.  I know I met Nick in Middle school but all I remember is what he tells me.  I can not even remember going to prom anymore.  I figure its because of my brain injury.  I know my memory was affected in the accident.  I just hate that I can not remember a lot of my childhood.  I hope I get my memory back.  I hope I can remember my childhood again.  There is some things I do not want to remember from my childhood.  I would love to remember middle and high school.  I do not even remember when Nick and I started dating.  I remember what I am told.  Even if I never remember middle or high school, I just want to remember dating Nick.
     I found one of my old journals last night also.  I have changed so much from when I was a teenager.  I did not even recognize the girl who wrote in the journal.  She could have been a complete stranger to me.  It was weird that it was me just five or six years ago.  I just do not remember anything from my teen years.  Its funny because I still remember my dog named Abby from when we lived in South Carolina.  I remember my cat named Tiger too.  I just can not remember recent as in five years ago.  That girl who wrote in the journal was a very sad soul.  I guess because now I have a very strange sense  of humor.  I laugh about everything now.  I find life very funny now.  I guess after something like this happened to some one they see the funny side of everything.  I can see the funny side of life now.  Before I think I was really sad and lonely before the accident.  But now I can appreciated the funny things in life.

My Dad's Birthday

I finally got an Ipod Touch.  I love it.  I got to download  a lot of brain games for free.  So I figure I can use it as part of my therapy.  The only movie that will not load is Sex and The City.  I own the movie but it will not load on computer.  Its only $10 on Itunes.  So I might download it from there later on.  I love that movie.  I love the shows too.  I got a Nintendo D.S. so I could buy brain games to help with my recovery.  I am glad I got those things because I have something to keep me company on the Cruise.  Its going to be a 8 or 12 hours drive down there.  So I am glad  I have something to keep me company.  I have a case for my Ipod Touch that is coming in the mail soon.  I hope it gets here soon.  I need to make my Christmas presents for everyone tomorrow.  I will not be here for Christmas so I want to give everybody their gifts to them before I leave for the Cruise.  My Dad's birthday is Tomorrow.  I have to come up with a gift for him before he gets home.  Felix is getting on my nerves today.  He is so hyper.  I wish he would grow up already.  He needs to get out of the kitten stage. 

Being Sick and My Time at Pathway's

     I have been sick the past couple.  My throat was killing me yesterday.  I finally got some cough syrupy.  The  cough syrupy really worked.  I was having really bad sinus headaches.  I have been having really bad headaches since my accident.  Now, I am having sinus pressure headaches.  The cough syrupy had pain medicine so it helped my headache.  I can not breath either.  I am tired of not being able to breath.  I have an appointment with a doctor to help my breathing next Tuesday.  So maybe they will figure out whats wrong with my breathing.  I have bad headaches in general anyway now.  My head hurts near my left temple.  Near where I was injured.  I wish none of this had happen to me.  I wish I could be back in school and work now.  I am trying to stay positive about everything through.  I can not wait to go back to school and work though.  I am trying to enjoy this break I have right now. 
     While I was Shepherd Pathway's me and my mother stayed in a hotel in Stockbridge part of the week.  Pathway's was two hours away.  i really enjoyed staying in the hotel.  We went to dinner and came back to workout in the gym.  I really liked the gym.  We went swimming on some nights too.  I really liked the pool.  The pool was an indoor pool.  I really liked the fact that we could swimming no matter the temperature outside.  They had a hot tube too.  I could get Starbucks whenever I wanted it too.  I love Starbucks and I loved being so close to one.  On the days I had therapy my mom would pick me up at noon and I had to be there at 2pm.  I woke up around 11am or noon to get ready for therapy.  It was nice that I could get ready again for once.  While I was in the hospital I could not get fully ready.  I could straighten my hair and do my makeup.  I liked being able to take a bath in a bath tube.  I do not take baths at home because there is a litter box right beside it.  I liked being able to lay in bed all day on the days I did not have therapy.